Joe Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, "Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies, "No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask you a personal question.... are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continueslike this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him. It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny... you don't look Jewish at all!"

Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"
Bill said, "Sure."
So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, "What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!"

Joe says, "Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Joe was apt to pray only when things weren`t going well, which was pretty often. & One day as he implored God for help with another mess he was in, to his surprise, he heard a wondrous voice:& "All right, Joe, what do you need this time?" Amazed, Joe asked, "God, is that You?" "Yes, Joe.& What do you ask of Me now?" Joe complained, "God, why does it always take so long for my prayers to be answered?" God answered, "Time is not the same for Me.& A thousand of your years is just a second for Me." "Wow! If that`s what time is for you, what is money?" "All the treasure of the world is just a penny for Me." Joe, always one to take advantage of the situation, began to scheme. "God, You can do anything, right?" "Yes, anything I wish.& Why do you ask?" "You are always so generous, and surely You wouldn`t miss a penny.& Will You give me just one of your pennies?" begged Joe. "Just a more...

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said,' I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.' Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said,' Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.' The old lady fainted.

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So that's what Joe did. The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said Joe." Did she like it?" His buddy asked." Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!"

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up more...