Johnnie Jokes

Johnnie wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks... but nothing happened.
Johnnie decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.
The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Johnnie a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
When Johnnie received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%.
Love,
Johnnie

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnnie on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnnie, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnnie. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnnie, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking kid bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Johnnie, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Johnnie! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Johnnie came bouncing over "Hello Sir!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Johnnie he could keep the one of his choice.
Johnnie looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Johnnie and asked him why he chose the dime.
Johnnie looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife the night of his return. He sent the two older children to the movies, but no matter how he tried, could not persuade Little Johnnie to go along with them... Finally he made a deal with the boy. "I'll give you $5. 00 for every man you see go by in a red hat. You stand here and count them, OK?" Little Johnnie agreed with a hopeful smile on his face. A while later Little Johnnie came running into the house, banged on the bedroom door and shouted, "Hey Dad! If you think your getting screwed in there, you'd ain't seen nothin' yet! You'd better come outside here. There's a Shriner convention coming past!"

One day Johnnie goes up to his mother and asks:"Mom, how old are you?"
Mom: "That's a personal question. You don't ask those kinds of personal questions to women."
"How much do you weigh?"
Mom: "You're too young to understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to women."
"Why did Dad leave us?"
Mom: "You're too young to understand that too, I'll tell you when you're older"
So Johnnie goes back to school and tells his friend: "My mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions"
His friend replies: "You should go into her purse and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answerd.
Johnnie goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years old."
Mom: "Yeah that's right I am."
"And you weigh 55 more...