Johnnie Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnnie was in class one day and the teacher was talking about anatomy. She held up pictures of male and female genitals and said this is called a 'penis' and this is a 'vagina'. Little Johnnie raised his hand and said his father had 2 penises. When the teacher questioned him, he said that his father has a little one that he pees with and a large one that he brushes his mommy's teeth with.

Little Johnnie was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.
This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnnie, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"
So, Little Johnnie left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said,
"So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?"

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie's mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"

Little Johnnie's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnnie was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Johnnie proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents.
An A in Math!
"Johnnie! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?"
Johnnie shook his head.
"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"
Johnnie looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I more...

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie".
"Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn't that terribly complicated?"
"Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed."
"I see. But what if you want only one of them?"
"No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."

Little Johnnie wants to take his dog Fluffy for a walk. He asks his mother who replies "No the dog is in heat". Johnnie looks at his mother and says," What does in heat mean?" His mother says very carefully so as not to confuse Little Johnnie, "In heat means she has gas." "PLLEEAASSEE!!!" cries little Johnnie. "Okay, but keep the dog on the leash the whole time, and be back in 10 minutes." Little Johnnie leaves with dog in tow and comes back 10 minutes later just as instructed, but without the dog. "Where's Fluffy" mother asks. "Oh, she ran out of gas a couple blocks back so the other dogs in the neighborhood are giving her a push home.

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the
meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches more...