Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

Future Lawyer:
Ms. Jones saw one of her students making faces at the other kids on the playground. She decided to put a stop to it. She pulled the child over to the side and said, "Aidan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Aidan looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Jones, you can't say you weren't warned."

First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: "Billy Adams."
"Here."
"Susie Brown."
"Here."
She comes to "Opium Jones" and gasps. "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
"Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
"Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
The mother arrives.
"This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
"That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
"But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
"I sure do," the mother replies.
"No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean, opium is illegal."
"Uh-huh," the mother says.
"No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy."
"You hit the nail right more...

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has donated $4,600 to the presidential campaign for John McCain. He's hoping McCain can get elected and pardon Pacman Jones.

A man had just undergone coronary surgery at Mercy Hospital and was in the recovery room. A Sister of Mercy was at his bedside to reassure him that all went well. "You are going to be fine, Mr. Jones, however we do need to know how you intend to pay for your hospital stay. Do you have insurance coverage?"
"No, I don't," the groggy man answered.
"Is it possible for you to pay in cash then?" the nun persisted. "No, I'm afraid that's not possible," he replied.
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked. "Only my sister in Texas, but she's a humble spinster nun," said the man.
"Mr Jones, I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters for they are married to God," the nun explained.
"Well, in that case, send my bill to my brother-in-law!" he said.

A prominent young attorney died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years."
"What are you talking about?" asked the attorney. "I'm 46."
"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"
"Yes," the attorney answered.
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him. (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Pacman Jones has signed a one-year deal to join the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the CFL. Hopefully Jones can adjust to Canada's lack of firearms.