July Jokes / Recent Jokes

1> For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around.

2> Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse.

3> He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.

4> Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.

5> Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"

6> Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins"

7> He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.

8> Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."

9> Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the 1812 Overture begins.

10> The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.

11> Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy Buffett's more...

The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin two jackets?" " Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"

16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7: 30 a. m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, more...

July 16 - July 22

"Will you crybabies shut up now?"

Cardinal Roger Mahoney, in the wake of the record $660 million sex abuse settlement.

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has announced that Bill and Hillary Clinton will have the honor of pushing the button that lowers the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball. According to CBS News, this year's ball "is double the size of previous balls and is covered in 2,668 Waterford Crystals...Organizers of the New Year’s Eve party say the bigger, brighter ball will remain in place all year atop the building at 1 Times Square to celebrate other holidays including Valentine’s Day, the Fourth of July and Halloween."
Imagine it - Bill in full glory! He’s used to lowering balls onto people’s faces, but only one person at a time. Tonight he’ll have a whole city looking up as his ball descends on them. And twice the size of most balls, naturally.
The honor is equally apropos for Hillary who, many have speculated over the years, has at least one ball. One presumes this won’t be the last ball dropped by the new secretary of state.
As for staying with us beyond New more...

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even more...