July Jokes / Recent Jokes
Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, MassachusettsTeen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March more...
The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" "' Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"
Happy 230th Birthday America. May the next 230 be even more prosperous and a lot browner.
- Mexican President Vicente Fox
Happy July 4th to the American people from your neighbor to the north (that's Canada, in case you've forgotten).
- Prime Minister Stephen Harper
On behalf of all our citizens I'd like to wish David Hasselhoff a speedy recovery from his recent injury. Oh, and also happy July 4th, America.
- Gerhard Schroder, Chancellor of Germany
Wish to express birthday wishes to good friend America. Have special present for you. Will be sending by airmail. LOL.
- Kim Jong Il of North Korea, via Blackberry
Happy Jew-lie 4th to the Jew-loving Americans and that Jew-loving Bush, who's probably a Jew.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran
I would like to wish the American people health and happiness on their day of independance. As a gesture of goodwill, we will be sending back Michael. Do not argue. We insist.
- Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, more...
Barry Bonds' perjury trial has been moved to July. Conveniently, Bonds will not be busy.
16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get more...
If you wanna be a record breaker...
MOST HORRIBLE DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*** Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz acheived 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7 mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a more...