Jump Jokes / Recent Jokes

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.
He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: "I said:' Jump, flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."
Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm."
Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.
When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.
Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response.
He said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing.
He shouted: "Jump, flea!!!". The flea did not move.
So Ivan more...

a real tough guy i know went up for his first parachute jump.. when his time came the jump instructor said "jump"... tough guy started but then chickened out... once again the instructor commanded "jump"... tough guy started but chickened out again.. "look" said the instructor, "if you dont jump, i'm gonna fuck you right in the ass." so i asked tough guy, "did you jump"? "just a little at first" he replied.............

(I heard this from my stepson, who says that it was running rampant
in the barracks while he was in the Army...)
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed
the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The
next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other
men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I more...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to more...

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next more...

Two men watching the six o'clock news made a five dollar bet about whether or not a man would jump off of a 20 story building. When the news station returned from commercial the man did jump off the building to his death. The winner of the five dollars finished his drink and left the bar. On the way to the parking lot he had guilty feelings and returned to find his friend. He explained that he couldn't take the money because he had already seen the jumper story on the five o'clock news.
The loser of the bet replied, "So did I. But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again!"

a blonde and a brunette were watching the 5 o'clock news about a man who was going to jump off a building. the brunette says to the blonde, "i bet