Knife Jokes / Recent Jokes

Barbie Dolls Inc. announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the California market.
Rancho Santa Fe Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a mansion. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.
Poway Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
National City Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.
La Jolla Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.
Lakeside/East County Barbie: This more...

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho. Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men. Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work. Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals. When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one. Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut more...

three chineese men were traveling to america. when they got there the first chineese man took singing lessons and learned to sing memememememe.the second man went to a steakery and learned to say knife and fork. the third chinese man went into a candy store and learned to say goodie goodie gum drops. The men then went to see a movie. at the movie a man got viciously murdered. the police arrived and asked the chinese men who did this. the first man said mememememe. the cop then asked with what he did it. the second man said knife and fork. the cop got angry and said your going to jail. the third man said goodie goodie gum drops.

I did not kill my pretty wife
I did not slash her with a knife
I did not bonk her on the head
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night
I took a cab, then took a flight
The bag I had was just for me
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
When I came home I had a gash
My hand was cut from broken glass
I cut my hand on broken glass
A broken glass did cause that gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride
All through LA, from side to side
From north to south, we took a ride
But from the cops we could not hide.
My trial it lasted for a year
A year! A year! Just sitting here
The DNA, the HEM- the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
If found guilty, I will appeal
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine- I'll cut a deal!
To hear "not guilty" so glad I'll feel!
Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful more...

There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves." The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari. The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat. Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells, "There's your fucking canoe!"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

One day a mom asked her son if he would to the butcher's to get some meat for dinner. So he went to the butcher's and asked for some ham, but they said they were all out, so he asked for some turkey but they were out so he asked for some pork, but there was no pork, so he asked for bologna, but there were out. So for the last time he asked for any meat at all, but no meat at all! He had to bring his mother some meat or she would be disappointed in him, so he got a knife when the butcher was not looking and went into the bathroom and then slice! His right buttcheek was gone! So they had it that night. The next day the mom said, "That was good meat, I want some more." So he grabbed the knife from a kitchen drawer, went to the bathroom and slice! His left buttcheek was gone, and they had it that night for dinner! The next morning his mother asked, "Can you get some more of that meat?" So he grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer, and went up to the bathroom and more...