Knife Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three criminals escaped from jail. Each one of them had a weapon. The first one had a knife, the second one had a gun, and the first one had a bomb. they all through their weapons in the air to celebrate their prison break. Unfortunately for these criminals, they were again caught.
The cop that found the three guys wet around town for a walk. He came upon a little boy with a Knife in his hand. The boy was crying.
When the cop asked him why he was crying, the boy replied, "A knife fell from the sky and stabbed my mommy!"
The cop comforted him, took him home, and continued his walk. Again the cop came across another little crying boy with a gun this time. The cop asked him why he was crying. The little boy replied, "This gun fell from the sky and I accidentally shot my mommy!"
The cop comforted him, took him home, and again continued his walk. Again the cop came across a little boy, but he was laughing and he had no weapon. The cop asked him why he more...

Submitted by Jim Porter

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn? t know how? Well, now you can!

Just follow these instructions. Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That? s all you will need to start!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2, 000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex as you read this. FIRST, untie and remove fancy shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be more...

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following
question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

A blonde has just got a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, which almost drives the truck over a cliff. The driver then motions for her to pull over, so she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it and not to get out. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He then turns around and sees she is smiling. So he goes to his truck and takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He turns around and now she is laughing.
He is really mad now so he takes his knife back out and slices her tires. He turns around and she is laughing her head off, about to fall down, and he says' 'What are you laughing about?''
And she says "Everytime you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle.''

What the country is talking about this week...
"Big Brother 2" One contestant got booted for holding a knife to another's throat. But he hopes to appear on "COPS."
Tom & Penelope: There's already a problem. She wants to keep her maiden name if they marry.
"The Sopranos" Executive producer David Chase has agreed to a fifth season for a reported $20 million. The more characters he kills off, the more he gets to keep.
"The West Wing" Several of the supporting characters want more money. There goes your tax cut.
Harrison Ford: He helped rescue a lost Boy Scout with his helicopter. After a car chase, a horse race, a knife fight, a snake pit, a chasm jump...
Nicole Kidman: Reports say she and Russell Crowe were vacationing on the same remote, primitive South Seas island. Australia.
Beijing Olympics: They're adding several new sports for 2008: the 200-meter Tank Dodge and the Dissident Javelin Catch.
Online movie more...

an alien landed on earth and he learned 3 words one from an opera that was me me me.the second was fork and knife from a restaurant.the third was from a commercial from tv plug it plug it in.a cop seen the alien walking down the street and told the alien that there has been a murderer and if he knew who did it the alien replied me me me then the cop asks with what the alien replies fork and knife.the next day they sentenced the alien to the electric chair the exocutioner asked if he had any last words the alien replied plug it in plug it in.

A Teacher was trying to get her class to pay attention the last few days of school so she came up with a project that her students had to go home and make their parents tell them a story and have a moral to it. The next day all the kids had great stories and then Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher asked him if he had a story and he said you bet"Its about my Aunt Carol, she was a pilot flying over Iraq and she got shot down and all she had was a pistol, a knife and a bottle of wisky! so she quickly drank the bottle of wisky because she figured she fall into a group of Iraqies! So, sure enough she fell into a group of 12 Iraqies, she shot 9 of them with her pistol,2 of them with her knife until it broke and strangled 1 with her bare hands" and asked if it had a moral to it and he said "You bet, don't mess with my Aunt Carol when she is drinking."