Lack Jokes / Recent Jokes
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper more...
There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Indiums in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open."
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts more...
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats... they taste just like chicken""Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free.. . . . Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools""Happiness is a belt-fed weapon""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters""I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
"Jaws of Life" in trunk.
The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where more...
Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
"Jaws of Life" in trunk.
The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go more...