Laid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen`s eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman`s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards more...

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg.

The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a more...

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says' 'Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'' The mother interupts him.' 'Stop right there!! Wait' till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says' 'I'm leaving you.'' The father, bewildered, slowly asks' 'Why!?! What did I do??'' The mother turns to Jonny and says' ' tell daddy exactly what you told me today!''' 'I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed... just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.''

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in more...

The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinate’s premonitions only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.
The average man’s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and more...

The Direct Approach Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today." (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) more...