Laid Jokes / Recent Jokes

The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate`s premonitions only during the postmortems.

The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject`s true value.

The average man`s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called andvolunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. Ideclined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me,"Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofourlives making each other sick!"

An old farmer and his hired hand were clearing out a line of brush that had become overgrown. There were a number of trees among the bushes; the hired man asked if they should go, too.
"No," said the farmer, "That tree there has some sentimental value. The first time I got laid was under that tree."
"Well, how about that other tree, then?" asked the hired man.
"No - I'd like to save that one, too. Her mother was standing under it."
"You mean her mother was standing right there the first time you got laid?"
"Yup."
"What'd she say?"
"Moo."

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink: Beer. Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink: Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink: Mixed drinks - no umbrellas Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink: Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.Drink: Baileys. Personality: Annoying more...

So yeah, I get laid. If the notion that someone with my physique has been allowed to have sex upsets you, let me balance the scales by saying many of the women I've had are not photogenic. My sex life reads like my employment history-I took what I could get at the time because it was there.
I base my taste in women as if I'm the rock band Rush--I don't bother appealing to an unreceptive audience, I stick with my hardcore fans, which is the over 40 demographic.
I also tend to seek out damaged women for my conquests "Hmmm...a few extra pounds? More than 1 cat? Looks like a sure thing!!"
And if I should snag a girl with a decent body, I make sure she either has a meth habit or I have to pay.
I had one damage case awhile ago. A few days after, she tells me she doesn't want to speak to me anymore because I supposedly creeped her out when I came over. How do I creep out a woman whose idea of breaking the ice with me was showing me pics of her ex stuffing a more...

Yo mama's like... - Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on. - Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. - Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded. - Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow. - Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap. - Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. - Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. - Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. - Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. - Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. - Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. - Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. - Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. - Yo mama's like a 747, she more...