Larry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1. 25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1. 50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1. 10 a pound
2 bars soap at $. 83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don`t want to buy the items... that`s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

Recently, there was a public television special honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show "M*A*S*H*", the movies "Tootsie" and "Oh, God," and the Broadway revival of "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum."
At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for Sid Ceasar.
One great moment went something like this:
Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) I'm sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know.
(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.)
Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty and funny?
Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry.

Here's a story, that actually did happen.
On July 2nd 1982, Larry Walters, a truck driver from North Hollywood, California, fulfilled a life-long dream. While visiting some friends in San Pedro, Ca., he attached 45 weather balloons and several gallon jugs of water to a lawn chair, tethered it to the ground, and filled the balloons with helium. Then, equipped with a parachute, a large bottle of soda, a hand-held citizen's band radio, and an air pistol, he had his friends cut the tethers.
Larry's lawn chair, the "Inspiration I", immediately and unexpectedly shot up to an elevation of 16,000 feet, and then began drifting east, eventually over the Long Beach airport, where he was spotted by two airliner pilots, who reported to the tower "a guy in a lawn chair" drifting by.
Larry attempted to land by shooting out some of the balloons with his air pistol, but lost it overboard before he could affect a rapid decent. He then broadcast a mayday on his radio, more...

So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:
1st guy: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
1st guy: "I made a cake."
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
... *long pause*...
Cow: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Cow: "I made a pie."
2nd guy:"Uh huh."

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"
She says, "That means,' Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany. .. Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth. Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

I heard this from a friend:
Three guys are playing basketball at a local outside court and they pause to
take a break. (Just for the sake of three names I'll use Moe, Larry,
Curly)...
Moe: Man, I wish I had a million bucks, I'd buy a car just like that
big Cadillac over there. What would you do if you had a
million bucks Larry?
Larry: If I had a million bucks I'd buy a car just like that Porsche
sitting over there. What would you do if you had a million
bucks Curly?
Curly: Gee, I don't know...I guess I'd have surgery to get thick
black hair all all over my body.
Moe: Why would you want black hair all over your body?
Curly: Well, my sister only has a patch about this big, and she owns
both those cars.