Lesson Jokes / Recent Jokes
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "Just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway.. . about more...
Computer Lesson #1: Nice computers never go down.
Computer Lesson #2: There is no such thing as a nice computer.
Here are some important management lessons that many of us have had to learn the hard way...
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of more...
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms." Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail." Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded..."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson... 3050 B. C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times. 525 B. C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. 214 B. C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1, 500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out. 1 B. C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year. 432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history. 1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox. 1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death more...
One school day, a little girl was really tired, the lesson was religious studies and the girl had questions fired at her, the teacher asked her "who is our lord above?" and the boy behind her poked her back with a pencil and she shouted "GOD AlMIGHTY!" and then the teacher asked her "who is the son of God?" and the boy poked her again and she shouted "JESUS CHRIST" and then the teacher asked her what did eve say to Adam after they had their third child and the boy poked her again and she shouted "IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF"!