Lifetime Jokes / Recent Jokes

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Ranil W. visits God and asks him: "God when will I become the President in Sri Lanka." Hearing this, God starts crying.
Ranil W. is astounded and asks: "God why are you crying?" God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime."

Here are some things learned in MY lifetime:
1) If you want something very bad and your parents won't let you, give them a lower lip, blink your eyes really fast, and say please 3,000 times until they crack.
2) NEVER ask your dad about Shakespeare or Math homework, unless you want a 5 hour lecture.
3) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS unless if they have free candy and aren't Michael Jackson.
4) If anyone bullies you, just laugh and think, "MAN!, I can't wait for them to be dead."
5) If you do succeed in something, dont brag, just gloat.
6) When things look bad, give them to the homeless.
7) When you're in a fist fight, ALWAYS KNEE THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS then run away until it's December.
8) When your sad, don't get mad, get even.
9) When your parents are telling you something important, pretend you're listening and nod your head like you are agreeing.
10) The Holy Water at Church isn't water to drink.
11) When you get a bad grade on more...

Mel Gibson is preparing for his role as Iraqi leader, Saddam Hussein, in the Lifetime Movie, "No Bombs for Bagdad". "A heart wrentching story of a man and his love of F^%king with the U.S' head"

Johh Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown are all killed in a plane crash.
St. Peter welcomes them to the after life and shows down this seemingly infinetely long corridor with doors down both sides. Eventually they stop at a door behind which is a stone cell with only a stone furniture. "For all the sins in your lifetime Paddy Ashdown" says St. Peter "this is your home for eternity." With that he pushes Paddy in and locks the door.
Further down the corridor is another room. Its all bare wooden furniture but there is some food on the table and access to the library. "For all your sins Tony Blair, this is your room for eternity" booms St. Peter locking the door.
Further, much further down the corridor St. Peter shows John Major into a room. Its pleasantly decorated, lots of food laid out and Cindy Crawford is there wearing hardly a thing. A smile (well the best attempt he can make) creeps over John Majors face.Then St. Peter says "Cindy more...

What occurs twice in a lifetime, but only once in ayear, twice in a week, but never in a day? The letter "E"Sent by T. JONES