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Bad: You can't find your vibrator.Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.Worse: You're in it.Bad: Your children are sexually active.Worse: With each other.Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.Worse: He looks better than you.Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.Worse: As a sacrifice.Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.Worse: She's a lawyer.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: For another woman.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: To enter a convent.Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.Worse: She implicates you.Good: Hot outdoor sex.Bad: You're arrested.Worse: By your husband.Good: The postman's early.Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.Good: The secretary said "yes."Bad: Your wife says "no."Good: The teacher likes your son.Bad: Sexually.Worse: He's gay.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: So did the postman.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: Your wife walks in.Good: You get a three-day weekend.Bad: You get more...

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
> Mypenis?
>
> - Mypenis ate my homework.
> - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
> - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
> - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
> leash.
> - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
> - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
> - I love giving Mypenis a bath.
> - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
> - Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
> - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
> - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
> - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
> - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
> - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
> - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
> - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
> - I think Mypenis is more...

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc? The next time you get a dog, name it: MypenisWhy, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water. - At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of more...

by Tad Deriso

There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.

Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.

There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".

Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to more...

My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.

The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget yourpicture, more...

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"