Lose Jokes / Recent Jokes

A kid goes into his mom? s room and finds her jumping vigorously on top of his dad.
He asks:"What are you doing to dad, mom?" She says:"I'm helping him exercise to lose weight!"
"Oh mom, that is worthless you jump on top of him to make him skinnier and our neighbor comes in everyday when you leave and blows him back up with her mouth."

Earliest Remembrances
What's his name?
How old is he?
Isn't he the cutest thing?
Did my lil' man lose his blankee?
Early
How's School?
And just who do you think you are?
Can't you act your age?
And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater?
Pre-Teen
What do you mean you don't understand History/English?
You call that cleaning your room?
Who told you you could play baseball/basketball?
How in the world could you lose your homework?
Adolescence
Why are you failing History/English/French?
May I see your license and registration please?
Is any girl worth moping around about? A boy your age!
How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat?
Post Adolescence
Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college?
Why in the world would you want to join the Navy?
Why can't you settle down with a nice girl?
When will you learn you can't go around saying what you think?
Early more...

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a more...

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their more...

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, more...

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.