Lottery Jokes / Recent Jokes
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
GoLDBERG was very pious. He went to the synagogue every Sabbath. And every Sabbath he prayed to God to let him win first prize in the national lottery. Alas! he prayed in vain. Finally he waxed wrath with the Lord:' Am I asking too much? Here I am - a God-fearing, devout Jew. All I ask of you is to win first prize in the lottery- surely a very small matter for you, O Lord!' •
At that moment the heavens opened and the Lord's resounding voice was heard:' Goldberg! Give me a chance! At least buy a lottery ticket!'
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
Two elderly sisters are arguing in court over the rights to a half million dollar winning lottery ticket. I'd always thought that betting's not allowed for nuns.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
Chapter 1: Buy a Corvette (and since you're Asian, hire a driver)
Chapter 2: Keep a collection of Dave Matthews CD's on hand
Chapter 3: Act really interested in her ratty notebook full of poems
Chapter 4: Lose every argument
Chapter 5: Practice sleeping on athe very edge of the bed
Chapter 6: Win the lottery
Chapter 7: Make sure your bed has about 20 pillows for no real reason
Chapter 8: Develop an appreciation for rearranging furniture
Chapter 9: Buy lots of tupperware, candles, and other products from her imaginary store