Loud Jokes / Recent Jokes

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

FART CHART By an unknown author
>
>1. A vain person: One who loves the smell of his own fart.
>2. Amiable person: One who loves the smell of other people's
farts.
>3. Proud person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally
pleasant.
>4. Shy person: One who releases silent farts then blushes.
>5. Impudent person: One who farts out loud then laughs.
>6. Scientific person: One who farts regularly but is concerned
with pollution.
>7. Unfortunate person: One who tries to fart but shits instead.
>8. Nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
>9. Honest person: One who admits they farted but offers a good
medical reason.
>10. Dishonest person: One who farts and blames the dog.
>11. Foolish person: One who suppresses a fart for hours.
>12. Thrifty person: One who always has farts in reserve.
>13. Anti-social person: One who excuses himself and farts in
private.
>14. Strategic more...

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know more...

40-ish... 48.
Adventurous... has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic... flat-chested.
Average looking... ugly.
Beautiful... pathological liar.
Contagious smile... bring your penicillin.
Educated... college dropout.
Emotionally secure... medicated.
Feminist... fat ball-buster.
Free spirit... substance user.
Friendship first... trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun... annoying.
Gentle... comatose.
Good listener... borderline autistic.
New-age... all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned... lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded... desperate.
Outgoing... loud.
Passionate... loud.
Poet... depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead... shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque... grossly fat.
Romantic... looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous... very fat.
Weight proportional to height... hugely fat.
Wants soul mate... one step away from stalking.
Widow... nagged more...

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!

Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around.
Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".