Lovers Jokes / Recent Jokes

For Chocolate Lovers:
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Money talks. Chocolate more...

For Chocolate Lovers:If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. more...

Why PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a more...

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do. After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question."God," he said, "What is heaven like?" God replied, "Well, normally I dont tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!" The man looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked."Well," he said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers."

* Emergency Rooms will tell you one of the most common injury suffered in falling out of bed for a guy is a broken dick. Although the penis does not have a "bone" it is full of erectile tissue that can be bent too far to the point of snapping. This type of injury requires surgery to correct. Often it can result in massive hemorrhaging.
* The man who accidentally sent a knee into his lovers face in the dark as he climbed up to *** ***k her. Broke her nose, blackened both her eyes and knocked out three teeth, one of which had to be dug out of his kneecap. It had dug down to the bone and stuck there.
* Getting nailed in the nuts is no joke either, a friend of mine got an unintended knee in the groin when he and his girl were changing positions and the impact ruptured a vein. His ball sack filled with blood. It swelled to a diameter of seven inches and turned black on the way to the hospital. The good folks at the Emergency Room had to lance it upon arrival and it more...

SEX(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(1)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ]... [ username ]...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B
bestiality with
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d
get a date with the features described in
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access more...

Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die. It is possibly the grossest and most disgusting nomination I have ever read. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED



A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was hoping to core big with his date on a Friday night. To put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooks the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could ee the city lights. Overcum by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.



The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert more...