Magazine Jokes / Recent Jokes

From "Machine Design" Magazine...... Byte BatAll too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in. It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers. Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

Isn't this the truth!... 1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Douglas Street bridge. 2000: Dental bridge. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for more...

Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, more...

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.

He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some more...

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known Lovers' spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:"And her,
what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night
in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene more...

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.
In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4.0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical "objective" style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly "review" of the promised product.
As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total "non-objectivity?")
Quoting Keith Wortham:
"The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4.0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought we more...

Pick one word from each column to form your very own Net Hype Term.
Use it liberally in conversation and in magazine articles. Make it into an acronym.
Call up customer support lines and ask about it. Post about it on irrelevant Usenet newsgroups. Pretend that you know what it means.
Bonus points if Wired Magazine writes a gushy article about it.
A:B:C:
interactivemultimediasuite
highspeedserverarchitecture
networkede-mailengine
revolutionaryrealitygroup
visionaryprotocolsite
virtualsoftwareagent
the WELL'schatnewsgroup
Mondocommunicationsnetwork
intelligentparallelCD-ROM
onlinemodemagent
real-timeinformationteleconference