Makeup Jokes / Recent Jokes

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. You, Too, Can Do Housework

2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. Techniques of Calling Home

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous

13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me

16. Why it more...

HIS
Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN number and account
Take cash, card and receipt
HERS
Pull up to ATM
Check makeup in rearview mirror
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because you're too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Hunt in purse for gum wrapper with PIN number written on it
Enter PIN number
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
Hit "cancel"
Re-enter correct PIN number
Check balance
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Endorse checks
Make deposit
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys
Start car
Check makeup
Start pulling away
STOP
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposits and more...

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look more...

One day a little girl heard her big sister talk on the phone and she said bitch and barstards. The little girl asked her sister what bitches and barstards ment. She said Ladies and Gentlemen.
The next day she saw her mum putting on makeup she said SHIT! the little girl asked what shit ment. Her mum said Makeup.
The next day her dad was cooking a lobster and he said Fuck the little girl asked what that ment and he said cooking.
So one night her mum had a party and the little girl yelled out "Hello bitches and barstards, my mum has shit on her face and my dad is fucking a lobster."

His And Hers ATMsHIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in more...

Barbie Dolls Inc. announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the California market.
Rancho Santa Fe Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a mansion. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.
Poway Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
National City Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.
La Jolla Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.
Lakeside/East County Barbie: This more...

How to get money from a cash machine:
He:
1. Pull up to a bancontact
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
She:
1. Pull up to a bancontact
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit "cancel"
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check more...