Manual Jokes / Recent Jokes
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It`s celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend`s car.
7. It`s slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain`t it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You`ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ more...
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206, 000, 000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual. EXAMPLES: 1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake. 25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms. 53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries. 53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned) ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268 MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100 SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are more...
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO
ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
YOUR DELETE KEY
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled more...
In order for us to understand your problem, we advise you to answer all the
questions. Circle the most appropriate for multiple/single choice questions.
We can assure you that; based on your answers; we will send an engineer within
two months upon receiving the completed form.
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked more...