Marine Jokes / Recent Jokes

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I
was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a
violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “Uh-oh!”Fearing the worst, I asked, “What's wrong now?”George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”

A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, “Which Branch of Service is the best? ” St. Peter replied, “I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. ” Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows: “Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are ‘Honorable and Noble’. Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that. (signed) GOD, USN (Ret.)”

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and more...

It's 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. It's mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the... [fill in the blank].
The sergeant barks: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit responds: "No, sir!"
The sergeant: "Why not, soldier?"
The recruit: "Because I'm a rough tough marine, sir!"
The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his... [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit screams: "No, sir!"
"Why not, soldier?" "Because I'm a rough tough marine. Sir!"
The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. "Did you feel that?"
"No, sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me!"

Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as

"Underground Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky high on a wave of thunder. Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to border on the brilliant.

Actually, they extend a little beyond the border. Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats. They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating. That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with stainless steel scissors.

Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose into the open sea. Recent history tells us that more...

The new hooker just finished her first trick.
When she came back down to the street, the
seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the
details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and
handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was
$100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So
I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't
have that much either". "Finally I said, well,
how much do you have"?
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give
you is a hand job"
He agreed and after getting the finances
straight, she said " he pulled it out and I put
one hand on it, and then the second hand above
the first and then the first hand above the
second hand....."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it more...

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."