Mick Jokes / Recent Jokes

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"

To which Mick replies, "I can't find a number 7 anywhere, Paddy".

Whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500, 000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK.

The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin' ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin more...

Mick was showing an American some Irish marrow's and the American said that they had gherkins as big as marrow's. Then Mick showed him some cabbages, the American said that in the States they had brussel sprouts as big as them and that American cabbages are about 3 feet in diameter. Eventually the American pointed to some old gasometers and asked what they were. Mick replied they are saucepans for cooking American cabbages.

Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before." Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours. Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble' n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.

Twas the night before Christmas, in my house's halls
Stirred many pro wrestlers, partaking in brawls;
Mr. Socko was hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Mick Foley soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of roody-poos danced in their heads;
And momma in her doo-rag, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap;

When out on the lawn I heard the glass shatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away through the bedroom Jeff Hardy dashed,
And finished off momma with a senton splash.

The lights from the previous match with Al Snow
Gave the lustre of blunt foreign objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bird-flipping Rattlesnake chugging a beer,

With a guy so electrifying no one can mock,
I knew in a moment it must be The Rock.
As he raised his eyebrow his people more...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a more...

What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman?
- Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud." and a Scottsman says,
"Hey McCloud get off of my ewe."