Middle Jokes / Recent Jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? " The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe more...

: How do you hire a teddy bear? A: Put him on stilts! Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A: A polo bear! Q: Why do polo bears like bald men? A: Because they have a great, white, bear place! Q: What do polo bears have for lunch? A: Ice burger! Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta? A: Tagliateddy! Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: They both have' the' as their middle names! Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? A: It lives on ice! Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo? A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema! Q: What is a bear's favorite drink? A: Koka-Koala! Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled? A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one more...

A blonde is driving down the road when she sees a brunette on the side of the road shaking her head and going "21! 21! 21!". The blonde then gets out of her car and walks up to the brunette and goes "That looks like fun! Can I try?". So she goes and stands by the brunette and starts shaking her head and going "21! 21! 21!". Then the brunette says to the blonde, "You know, its probaly funner to do that in the middle of the road.". So the blondes walks into the middle of the road and shakes her head and says 21. Then a car comes along and hits her and the blonde dies. The brunette then shakes her head and goes "22! 22! 22!".

One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator, and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in more...

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.