Mike Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness." "Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?" Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!""Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary." Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!""Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!""Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, more...

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore.
Now it just goes "tick... tick... tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice...
Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?""That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.""You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat."How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike."Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere.""That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike were stranded by a winter storm and took refuge in an old farmhouse occupied by an attractive single woman.
In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman's room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months later when a registered letter arrived at his office.
Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office. "Do you remember the night we were stranded by that snowstorm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?" he asked.
"Yes," Mike replied.
"You told her you were me, didn't you?" Joe demanded.
"Yes, I did," Mike said nervously. "Why do you ask?"
"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been more...