Miss Jokes / Recent Jokes

Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. Don't listen to critics - do what must be done. Build on high ground. For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Two heads are better than one. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat. When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel! Stay below deck during the storm. The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat... No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and now he's dead.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse fell down,
And he escaped with minor head injuries.

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and waye.
A spider came down and sat on the ground
And Miss Muffet squished him with a big ole' frying pan.

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking more...

It's getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.
Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?
Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.
Teacher: That's very good. I'll let you go a bit early, if you can spell' pit'.
Johnny: P-I-T, miss.
Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?
Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.
Teacher: I'll let you go if you can spell' sand'.
Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.
Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?
Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldn't let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think it's blatent racial discrimination.
Teacher: Well, if you can spell' racial discrimination...'

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A: A goalpost that can't march. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A: Have them miss every other note. Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a' 57 Chevy? A: You can tune a' 57 Chevy. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: more...