Misses Jokes

A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one!
He adjusts his hat and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!"
He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two!
He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!"
Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three!
He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a. m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said' shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."

One day there are two priests playing golf, the first one of them is putting fo the hole but misses by an inch. He Says "
Damn missed the bugger!"
The other says "
don't speak that language, your a priest!"
So they go on to the next hole and he misses again, he says "
Missed the bugger"
The other says "
don't speak that language, your a priest!"
This keeps on happening for a few more holes, until the second priest is so frustrated and angry he throws his club down on the ground and yells "
If you say that one more time I swear God will strike you down!"
So on the next hole the first one just misses and he says "
Damn, missed the bugger!"
Then they hear this great rumbling in the sky and the second one is hit by lightning.
Then God says "
Missed the bugger!!!"

A priest and a sailor are playing golf together, the sailor steps up to hit his ball, he takes a swing and misses and he says"FUCK I MISSED" the priest says to him "my son, if you swear god will punish you". The sailor takes another swing misses again and says "fuck, i missed" the priest replies "i told you my son if you curse god will punish you"
They eventually get to the green, the sailor putts the ball and barely misses the hole and again the sailor says "fuck I missed" and suddenly athuncer bolt shoots down and hits the priest and kills him and a powerful and deep voice says "AH FUCK I MISSED"

A saadhu (saint) and a shikaari (hunter) meet in a forest. The shikaari sees a bird and shoots. He misses and exclaims: "Behanchood! I missed". The saadhu says killing animals is wrong as it is and using dirty language when not succeeding makes it worse. After some time the shikaari sees a deer and shoots. He misses again and shouts: "Lund saalaa! phir sae missed" The saadhu warns him: "If you use such crass language again. I will call upon the Gods to curse you." This time the hunter spots an elephant at ten meters range. He shoots and still misses and cries out: "Gaanduu! Missed even this." The saint loses his tolerance and prays: "O God. This man has sinned thrice in front of a saint, despite warnings. Take him away." "Thooom!" There is a lightning bolt from the sky and the saadhu is vaporised. Awestruck, the shikaari looks towards the sky and hears a thunder "Bhoonsadiwaalae! I missed too."