Mix Jokes

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the more...

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too more...

Why Don't We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

I've got a pound of Cesium,
It's burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But it's noise I want to hear.
So darlin' bring some water,
A couple pints'll do.
And why don't we mix up the two?

Why don't we mix up the two?
' Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say I've got a death wish,
But honey, I'm just blue.
So why don't we mix up the two?

---Songs of Cesium #29

141. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.


142. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.


143. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.


144. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1:
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three... one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.


145. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.


146. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.


147. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.


148. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets more...