Mode Jokes / Recent Jokes
“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set more...
… Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: ”DME volume unbelievably loud. ”
Solution: ”Volume set to more believable level. ”
Problem: ”Dead bugs on windshield. ”
Solution: ”Live bugs on order. ”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent. ”
Solution: ”Cannot reproduce problem on ground. ”
Problem: ”IFF inoperative. ”
Solution: ”IFF inoperative in OFF mode. ”
Problem: ”Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. ”
Solution: ”That’s what they’re there for. ”
Problem: ”Number three engine missing. ”
Solution: ”Engine found on right wing after brief search. ”
This is a long one so I apologise now!
3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them
'Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?'
'yes' answer the men
'ok' says Peter and he turns to the first man. 'Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???'
'Well' said the first man 'I must admit I've had an affair 5 times'
'You get a bicycle then' said Peter and off the man goes into heaven
The second man answers, 'I've had an affair 2 times' and so he gets a mini and goes off into heaven
Finally the last man answers 'I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife' and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.
A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.
'What could more...
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing more...
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe more...
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) more...
When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn't taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time...
1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to hare the wealth? with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC...)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a uppy war? with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a uppy? is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)
3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream EE ALL GONNA DIE!?/font>
4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat more...