Monica Jokes / Recent Jokes

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard!"

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face." "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on." "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it." "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky

(To The Tune of Good Golly, Miss Monica) Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found! Fe, fe, fi, fi, fo, fo, fum
Monica`s dress has the President`s cum! In the Oval Office, on the carpeted floor
Till the Leader of the Country up and hollers for more
In her reinforced kneepads with the Presidential Seal
Seeking out that First Banana to peel! Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found! The Commander-in-Chief says, "You do it so well"
"I love it, you creep!" says Monica L.
Poor Hillary`s working on "It Takes A Village"
While Miss Lewinsky`s dress gets a Big Ole` Spillage
She`s not too skinny, she`s not too fat
Every President wants an Intern like that! Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found! Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found! Good golly Miss Monica, don`t sing more...

Why isn't Monica Lewinsky talking to the press?
She's under a gag order.

Monica Lewinsky is walking down the beach and she finds a magic lamp.
She rubs it and out pops a genie who offers her one wish.
She thinks out loud "I'm already famous so I don't need that." "I will be rich as soon as I finish my book so I don't need fame."
"I guess I am a little chubby, so I would like you to get rid of my love handles."
The next thing you know, POOF, her ears disappear!

Why couldn't Monica swallow?
Because that would be destruction of evidence.

Some Politicatl Quotes as collected in "They Said That!" by Larry Engelman


Like we say in Texas, if goofy ideas ever go to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey's head.
Clinton advisor Paul Begala, 1998

If Jerry Brown is the answer, it must be a very peculiar question.
Sen. Lloyd Bentsen, 1992

This is Jerry Brown. Thanks for calling. And please do everything you can to assist and be an active member in the insurgent campaign to take back America. To speak to a live human being, dial zero.
-- Taped message on the Jerry Brown for President office phone in Santa Monica, Calif., 1992

She's not my type, let's put it that way. She wouldn't pass the test. Yes, the Bono test.
Sonny Bono, on Hillary Clinton, 1995

This year's elections are like a horse race. They end up exactly where they started. And when they're done, manure is everywhere.
Jay Leno, 1994

Many Americans more...