Monitor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top 10 signs that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:
10. - The monitor & CPU have been repainted orange and black.
09. - System sound effects now play a Harley kicking over when a program starts.
08. - There's an oil stain on the floor just below the computer.
07. - Number key pad only goes up to two.
06. - Password is "WillieG".
05. - The mouse is referred to as "the Rat".
04. - There is a Skoal can mounted in the CD-ROM drive.
03. - Expansion slots have Genuine Harley-Davidson bike parts installed in them.
02. - The keyboard is mounted at the level of the user's chin and his seat tilts backward - ape-hanger keyboard!
And the Number 1 sign that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:
01. - A half-naked, big-breasted "warrior princess" and her tiger have been airbrushed onto the sides of the monitor!

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret more...

Following is the dialog of what was 'apparently' an actual phone conversation between a WordPerfect user and a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Hello. May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"Yes. They disappeared."
"Hmmmm. What does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How can I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your more...

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.9. Use Interactive Send to more...

Admit it. You've threatened to shoot your computer monitor with a M-16 before. Maybe it wasn't a M-16. Well, I finally decided to take up on my threat. But I couldn't get a hold of an M-16. Apparently my criminal record played a part. I had to make do with a baseball bat. Busting my monitor open wasn't as fullfilling as I had hoped. So I dropped it out of a window at a car. Even though I missed, I had fun. The ride to the police station was fun, too, but the sirens are loud.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Support: "What sort of trouble?"

Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",

Support: "Went away?"

Customer:"They disappeared."

Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Support: "Nothing?"

Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer: "How do I tell?"

Support: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Support: "Never more...