Moshe Jokes / Recent Jokes
Moshe walks into a bar and sits down. He gets out a tiny little box and to the man sitting next to hims surprise the box starts playing music. After further inspection the man realises that inside the box is a ten inch pianist playing on a tiny grand piano.
"That's incredible!", the man says, "Where did you get that?"
"Well", says Moshe, "I found this magic lamp". At that Moshe pulls aout a magic lamp from his jacket.
The man says "Could I make a wish please?"
Moshe agrees to the man's wishes but does warn him about the lamp:
"The thing is, the lamp doesn't work very well..."
However the man is already rubbing the lamp. After the man stops making his wish, the bar fills with hundreds of thousands of hound dogs, barking and biting.
"I didn't wish for this", the man says in utter surprise, "I wished for a million POUNDS"
So Moshe replies "Well did you thing I wished for a more...
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special -- it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out: "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe.
"Si," replies the parrot.
"Parlez-vouz Fransais?" asks Moshe.
"Oui," replies the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe.
"Jawohl," replies the parrot.
"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe.
"Sim," replies the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot,
"Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,
"Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
Moshe’s mother - 1
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, "What`s the matter, Moshe? You didn`t like the other one?"
Moshe’s mother - 2
Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How are you?"
"Not too good," Hette says. "I`m feeling very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, "Because I haven`t eaten in 23 days."
Moshe replies, "That`s terrible, mother. Why haven`t you eaten in 23 days?"
Hette answers, "because I didn`t want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise because our culture is 4, 000 years old. But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5, 000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
The dinner party
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."