Mother Jokes / Recent Jokes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Norfolk to Las Vegas. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. Smiling, she then said, "Tell your Mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

"Mother, I can't marry him," moaned the love-stricken girl, "Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn't believe in hell."
"Now you go right ahead and marry him," replied the mother, "and between the two of us we'll show him he's wrong."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: "Billy Adams."
"Here."
"Susie Brown."
"Here."
She comes to "Opium Jones" and gasps. "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
"Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
"Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
The mother arrives.
"This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
"That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
"But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
"I sure do," the mother replies.
"No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean, opium is illegal."
"Uh-huh," the mother says.
"No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy."
"You hit the nail right more...

The Golds were never very observant. They would mark Yom Kippur by abstaining from ham-if they remembered. But one thing they always told little Billy was: "Make sure you marry a nice Jewish girl." Well, Billy Gold grew up much like mom and dad, and one brought home a lovely fiance, but she was definitely not at all Jewish. Billy's mother took him aside and told him: "We've always told you one thing: Marry a nice Jewish girl." Billy, expecting this, triumphantly announces: "Don't worry, Mom. Patricia has agreed to convert." But nothing molifies the parents: "She is a shiksa and will always be a shiksa." The parents don't want to even come to the wedding: they take a month-long cruise that starts the day before the wedding, and for a month after that, they refuse to talk to Billy. Finally, Billy's mother can't resist. She comes and visits Billy, walking in in a huff with her copy of the key. To her amazement, Billy is dressed in black and is more...

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside more...