Mother Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"
Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."
The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?" The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ more...
Zhai Yongling had a mother who was a devout Buddhist. She would recite the scriptures from morning to night. One day, Yongling got an idea. He pretended to have something to talk to his mother about so he called her while she was chanting the name of Buddha. His mother heard Yongling calling her so she stopped and answered him. However he kept on calling her. His mother finally lost her temper and shouted: "Stop it! Why do you keep calling me like that?" Yongling laughed and replied:" Well, you see, mother, you get angry just because I've called you a few times. Image how angry the Buddha will be when he hears you chanting his name thousands of times a day."
1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
6. You shop 99 ranch.
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage".
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars..
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even more...
Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked
Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had
to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and
Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.
When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a
questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?
Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought
Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.
When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother
if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.
Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add
to my list then."
"What is that? asked Mom.
"Why an elf, of course. replied Timmy.
"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for? queried Mom.
"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves, replied Timmy, more...