Move Jokes / Recent Jokes

O MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot5 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactorybecause: 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I more...

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We`ll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A guy dies and goes to hell.

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "All right, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big more...

Where there`s a will... I want to be on it.

It`s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don`t drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you`re unique... Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation.

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.
The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

A Blonde was on her way to Mexico, She boarded the plane and sat in First class!.The stuardess came out and said
"
excuse me, you haven't paided for first class your going to have to return back to your normal seat in ecomony"
the blonde replies
"
I'm blonde and beautiful I'm not moving anywhere!"
so the stuardess went and talked to the pilot and co-pilot.So the pilot came out and talked to the blonde but still she was not going to move.Finally the co-pilot came out and said to his friends don't worry I'l get her to move, I have a blonde wife, I can talk blondish.
so the co-pilot went up to the blonde and whispered in her ear, she got up immediately and said "
oh sorry, I didn't know"
The pilot came up to the co-pilot and said"
In all my life I have never seen anything like that, how d'ya get her to move?"
"
oh, I just said that first class wasn't going to Mexico!"