Movie Jokes / Recent Jokes

The homeowner was delighted with the way Santa had done all the paintwork on his house.
"You did a great job," he said as he handed Santa his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."
Santa declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."
"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."
"Well," said Santa reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Santa, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.
Thinking that Santa had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"
"Nope," replied Santa. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Producers have decided to make a movie chronicling the life and death of influential Hip–Hop artist, Notorious B.I.G

....... Tupac Shakur is slated to make the soundtrack.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500.""That's right! You may enter."St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

What's this summer's hottest movie? Mission Impossible 3? Get real, not with that gay Tom Cruise fellow in the movie. Superman Returns? Blue tights, red bikini briefs, Kevin Spacey. Gay, gay, gay. Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest? What are you high? What's $784,000,000 gross worldwide when compared to Kim Jong-Il's masterpiece "Diary of a Student Girl". Written by Kim Jong-Il, directed by Kim Jong-Il, and staring as the student girl, Kim Jong-Il.
Critics in Pyongyang are calling it a masterpiece, playing to full houses every single day. Here's what some critics have said:
"Dairy of a Student Girl is great. Shoot me if I'm lying."
"Whoever doesn't see this movie is a traitor to the state. Seriously, if you don't see this movie, we'll kill you."
"I give this movie 4 stars. I would give it more, but our blessed leader has forbidden me to do so. He is as humble as he is talented."
"I would give it two thumbs up, more...

1. Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).

2. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

3. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

4. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.

5. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i. e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain more...

Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Take me to your leader
From: Dennis
UFOs are nothing to worry about
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys more...

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
My dog died.
My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
I overslept.
I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to more...