Movie Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Where ever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered more...

You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away.

You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon

Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park".

Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.

You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.

You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.

Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, brandy, and bourbon

You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.

I felt that Hugh Jackman's and Nicole Kidman's accents in the movie were both forced and at times over the top, they should both stick to american films.

A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

In the spirit of this new post-entertainment entertainment era, where the coverage of events and product ends up more enjoyable than what is actually being covered, NEW YORK OBSERVER critic Rex Reed on Oliver Stone's new one U-TURN:

' No amount of St. John's Wort will get you through U TURN. You need stronger stuff, since it's a movie so stupefyingly bad it seems to have been made by people stoned on Prozac and helium. Not so much directed as hallucinated by madman Oliver Stone, this lurid, violent and pretentious cross between BLUE VELVET and DUEL IN THE SUN is not as much fun as it sounds... The cinematography is ugly, the actors look embalmed (especially Nick Nolte, who resembles the head of a centipede), the writing is uniformly lousy. It seems to have been made by an idiot savant... Vultures circle overhead in every scene while it just lays there stinking... What U TURN is, really, is an unmitigated pile of crap -- and one of the worst non-movies ever made.' ---Rex Reed

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system. SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed.................................................. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... - 1 You leave the toilet seat up...................................... - 5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................. 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... - 1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly more...