Mum Jokes / Recent Jokes
These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I've shagged your Mum." The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your Mum has sucked my penis." The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I've had your Mum up the arse." By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, you're pissed. Now fuck off home."
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote' Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version.' Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in more...
A little boy and girl where sitting in the sand pit naked. The little girl looks down at the boy and points to his penis and says "What's that?".
"I don't know" says the little boy. He to looks down at the little girl and asks "What's that?"
"I don't know." Says the little girl.
They both went home later on and the little girl says to her mum. "Mummy, what's this?"
The mother replies, "That's your pink garage, and no red Ferrari is allowed to park in there."
The little boy gets home and goes up to his dad and says, "Daddy, what's this?"
The father replies "Why that's your red Ferrari and you can park it in as many pink garage's as you feel like."
The next day the little girl and boy were playing in the sand pit naked again and the little girl ask the little boy "What's that?"
And the little boy says "This is my red Ferrari and I can park it in as many more...
Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump? Mum Camel: They're for storing fat in out in the desert. Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then? Mum Camel: So our feet don't sink into the hot sand. Baby Camel: Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes? Mum Camel: To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm.