Needle Jokes / Recent Jokes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the more...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a more...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him."There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him."What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, more...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" more...

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan. "That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written." To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked,' Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed,' Oh my God!' The preacher said,' That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question,' And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed,' Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said,' Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when more...