Neighbor Jokes / Recent Jokes

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
He asks, "Whatcha doin?"
Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish,ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your cat!!"

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
My dog died.
My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
I overslept.
I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to more...

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor, so he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in more...

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung! ” The man calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass! ”

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?