Neighbor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone UpI showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.My dog died.My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.I overslept.I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

Every time the man next door headed toward Michaels`s house, Michael knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won`t get away with it this time," muttered Michael to his wife. "Watch this." "Er, I wonder if you`d be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I`m awfully sorry," said Michael with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I`ll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won`t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? " as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through more...

Every time the man next door headed toward Michaels`s house, Michael knew he was coming to borrow something.

"He won`t get away with it this time," muttered Michael to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you`d be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I`m awfully sorry," said Michael with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I`ll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won`t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled, "So what?"
The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?"
The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too."

A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.
The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.
The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."
After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.
She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"