Neighbor Jokes / Recent Jokes

A neighbor dropped in to see her friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her four kids arguing loudly in the next room.
"What's the matter, Diane?" she asked
"Morning sickness," Diane groaned.
"I didn't even know you were pregnant," said the surprised neighbor.
"I'm not!" replied a very harried Diane. "I'm just sick of mornings!"

The phone rings at FBI headquarters." Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!""Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving."

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are more...

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.The woman smiled, "So what?"The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?"The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat? ” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast? ” “$7. 98. ”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7. 98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A neighbor of a blonde was washing his car. Then he noticed his neighbor coming out and checking her mail every 5 minutes. I am going to see what she is doing, he said to himself. Finally she came out again, looking very mad. "
You must be expecting an important letter."
he said. "
No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that i got mail,"
she replied.

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.
She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.
She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?
The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"
She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first more...