Nelson Jokes / Recent Jokes

erick nelson is so fat he has a 24 pak of hot dogs on the back of his neck. and his best friend js has so much butter on his teeth

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane hasonly 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREWTHE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jacksons face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"

One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: "What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!"
"Look lady," says the driver "see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela."
And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.
The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: "What are you doing now?"
"Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela"
"But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away!" shouts Winnie
"No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack", says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.
The following more...

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign" yells the Chinese geezer. Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has a got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a porno film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign" screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat" snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke now FUCK OFF".
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading Penthouse, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts. The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson "You sign, you more...

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you`ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man`s face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson`s nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You`ve got the wrong bloke! I don`t want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man`s face again. The following more...

God summons Pat Buchanan, Nelson Mandela and Shimon Peres. He promises to grant each of them one wish.
Mandela says, "I'd like all of the black people in America who aredescendants of slaves to return to their African homeland."
"No problem," answers God.
Peres says, "I want all of the Jews in the Diaspora to come to the Land of Israel and make it their home."
"It's done," says God. "Pat, you're next. What's your wish?"
Buchanan looks around at Mandela and Peres and asks God, "Did those two guys really get their wishes?"
"Of course," says God.
"Well in that case," says Buchanan, "just gimme a Diet Coke."