Nervous Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that"

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15-years-old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year, Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up, that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night.

She was so excited all that week and she could hardly wait for Friday. As soon as she got home from school on Friday, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 pm came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as a cat. Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!" Suzie was so pleased when she walked out more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door. 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off more...

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"

6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J. C. and more...

This is a true story. One of my old babysitters went off to college, and this really happened to her, no joke. So she was out in Chinatown one night with her friends, when they all decided that they wanted to go back so that they could sleep. However, she was not the least bit tired so she told them to just take the car, and that she would take a cab in an hour. They left, and she got into a very interesting conversation with another young man. They talked and talked and before she knew it, a few hours had passed and it was well past dark. So she said that she regretted it, but she had to leave. She flagged down a cab and told the guy in it, "Can you take me to the College of Evergreen, please?"
"Sure thing", he said. However, he drove for about ten minutes, then made a wrong turn.
Figuring that he was a new driver, she said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think we just missed the turn."
"Hush. Don't worry, I know where I'm going."
She more...

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."