Network Jokes / Recent Jokes

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25, 000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35, 000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55, 000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Twas the night before finals and all through the lab
Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb.
Their projects were finished, completed with care
In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).
The students were wired with caffeine in their veins
While visions of quals nearly drove them insane.
With piles of books and a brand-new highlighter,
I had just settled down for another all-nighter --
When out from our gateways arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
Away to the console I flew like a flash
And logged on as root to fend off a crash
The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3
Gave oodles of info -- some in 3-D.
When, what to my burning red eyes should appear
But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear!
With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm,
I knew in a moment. It was Morris's Worm!
More rapid than eagles his processes came
And they more...

Katie Couric's assumption of the network news throne has proven to be a success; sources revealed recently that during focus groups to determine Couric's popularity a nugget of Captain Crunch cereal was placed in a swivel chair, when groups responded favorably the network knew it was a bright idea. Couric plans to leave 5 minutes each night at the end of the broadcast to inform the public of new gingerbread recipes as well as ways to get stains out of a much-loved but well-worn shirt.

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it`s so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn`t show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It`s time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we`re still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I`ll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It`s Better Manually
I`ve Been Mislead
I`ve Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or more...

VERBS:
to schmooze = befriend scum
to pitch = grovel shamelessly
to brainstorm = feign preparedness
to research = procrastinate indefinitely
to network = spread disinformation
to collaborate = argue incessantly
to freelance = collect unemployment
NOUNS:
agent = frustrated lawyer
lawyer = frustrated producer
producer = frustrated writer
writer = frustrated director
director = frustrated actor
actor = frustrated human
COMPOUND WORDS:
high-concept = low brow
production value = gore
entry-level = pays nothing
highly qualified = knows the producer
network approved = had made them money
FINANCIAL TERMS:
net = something that apparently doesn't exist
gross = Michael Eisner's salary
back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it
residuals = braces for the kids
deferral = don't hold your breath
points = see "net" or "back-end"
COMMON PHRASES:
You can trust me more...

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse

10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
8. Home shopping "network".
7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
3. Gameboy web browsers.
2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:
1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"