Newspaper Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was on the beach, sunbathing in the nude, when he noticed a little girl coming towards him. He quickly took the newspaper he was reading and covered himself with it.
"Hey, mister, what do you have under the newspaper?" asked the little girl.
"Just a bird," he replied. The little girl walked away and he fell asleep.
When he woke up, he found himself lying in a hospital bed in tremendous pain. The police asked him what had happened.
"I don't know," he groaned. "The last thing I remember is lying on the beach and a little girl asking me about my privates. Next thing I know, I'm here."
The police went to the beach to look for the little girl. When they found her, they asked her what she had done to the naked man.
She paused for a moment, then replied, "I didn't do anything to him. I was playing with the bird and it spit at me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this:' Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this:' Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"

Jake and Saul are 2 old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turn to the Obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He then correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers; "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
OK, OK, I've got the paper more...

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story
Never lie to a female............ OF ANY AGE!!!

… A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the more...

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway?
You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard: "Are you reading that paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and
saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had
died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to
tell.
There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the
front page."