Newspaper Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M. D.
5. Your children begin to look middle aged.
6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
8. You look forward to a dull evening.
9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
15. Your back goes out more than you do.
17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
18. The more...
A woman had grown tired of living alone and decided she would like to have a companion to share her home with. She placed an ad in the newspaper outlining her requirements. What she wanted was a man who: 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, 3) was good in bed.
A couple of days later, she heard her doorbell. When she answered it, she saw before her a man in a wheelchair who had no arms and no legs.
"Hello," said the man. "I'm here regarding your ad in the newspaper. As you can plainly see, I have no arms so I could never beat you and I have no legs so I could never run away from you."
"Yes, I see that, but are you any good in bed?" she asked.
"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell!" he replied.
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, you up yet?"
Jake, sleepily, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. Open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in more...
LOOKING through the first Press Commission Report of 1954 presided over by Rajyadhaksha, I came upon a nugget. The commission was examining newspaper owners and questioning them about freedom given to editors. At the time Bennet Coleman (The Times of India group of publications) was owned by Seth Rama Krishna Dalmia whose grandson A. K. Jain presides over the newspaper empire today. Seth Dalmia maintained that he never interfered with his editors and as an example cited the campaign against prohibition carried out by the hard drinking editor of The Times of India, Frank Moraes. The commission was not impressed: "Why did you sack Feroze Chand?" a member asked Dalmia.
"Because he wrote bad English."
"Why did you sack Ranajung Bahadur Singh?" asked another.
"For the same reason, his English was not good."
"Do you know the English language well? Do you regard yourself as an expert on the language?" asked the more...
The Utah newspaper rejected a paid wedding annoucement for Tyler Barrick and Spencer Jones. However, the same newspaper last week ran a wedding announcement for John Smith and Mary Miller and Sharon Coste and Barbara Peters.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."