Newspaper Jokes / Recent Jokes

Your sitting on a bench reading a newspaper while eating a sandwich when you notice that there are 5 lawyers drowning and there only enough time to save 3 what do you do?
Finish you sandwich or read your newspaper?

WARNING: The following contains psuedo-Native-American speech. If this would offend you, don't go on.
jhm Unkindest Cut Anonymous (1890)
After nearly three decades of out-maneuvering the best that the U. S. Army could send into the field, Sitting Bull was caught and held at the Red Cloud agency, where he was interviesed by the Quaker Indian Commissioners. They wanted to know if the old Sioux warrior had any special grievance to report to them?
Sitting Bull noded grimly. "A white man has lied about me," he said. "He lied and put in newspaper for all to read."
"Who was it?" asked the Commissioners.
"Indian don't know name. But Indian been told what man write in newspaper. Indian sensitive man. He no like being lied about," and here he gave vent to an accomplished burst of bi-lingual profanity.
"But what did the man write about you, Chief?"
"If Indian ever find him, he'll scalp the son-bitch say more...

Nowhere, VermontSam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month. After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch... your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me." As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. more...

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding
a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching
the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's more...

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set it's nest on fire!!!" Never lie to kids, ESPECIALLY GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man enters a pet shop and tells the owner he'd like to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner suggests a dog.
"A dog?" the man replies.
"How about a cat?" the owner says.
"No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" the man replies.
The owner thinks for a moment, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
"A centipede?" the man says. "I can't imagine a centipede being able to do everything, but yeah... I'll try a centipede." He pays for the centipede and takes it home.
When they arrive home, he looks at the centipede and says, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and to his astonishment... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed.
He then says to the centipede, "Go clean the living more...

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"